The Spoonbill Generator

Give me the pen and invisible ink, and I'll write my life story for you [chaise]

I'll tell how I grew up addicted to drink, and travelled to far Kathmandu [Beefy ]

I'll write about Jack, he's all that I've got - his best mate just left town [chaise]

And I'll show you a birthmark or two, if my knickers should chance to come down [loaf]

Call me a liar and make me a bet, and I'll add to my fabulous wad [Kansas Sam]

And tell of the time I hiked all through Tibet in search of a porcelain god [Irene]

My jolly mate, Jack, came along for the ride, so I carried him, hill over dale [Kansas Sam]

Til the town where we got in a train-riding mode;we was rid outta town on a rail [Irene]

I'd had but a sip at the speakeasy there when Jack picked a fight with a Yeti [Kansas Sam]

He got firmly felled to the floor with a chair by the bosomy barmaid named Betty [Beefy ]

Then Betty and Yeti ran off to elope, and I waited for Jack to awaken [Irene]

And if you think that is the end of my tale, I fear you are sadly mistaken [Beefy ]

Coming to, Jack was sore, in and out, out and in, so I ordered a bottle of rye [Kansas Sam]

We followed it up with a bottle of gin, and slowly got sloshed, Jack and I [Beefy ]

Midway, I threw a few darts at a board, but Jack aimed at a portrait, for drama [Kansas Sam]

Til the bartender came flying over the bar for the portrait was that of his mama [Irene]

"Yo mama's a Yeti!" Jack yelled at the dude, as he dove for a couple of darts [Kansas Sam]

The bartender thought this was awfully rude,and aimed some himself at our hearts [Irene]

Now Jack, he could handle himself in a fight, but I'm a more peaceable sort [Beefy ]

And so I decided I'd have my revenge by filing a punitive tort [Karin]

When word of the brawl was bruited abroad, the lawyers were not far behind [Beefy ]

This one smelled even better than hot-coffee fraud: it had points of assault - what a find! [Kansas Sam]

Not being a fighter, I'd much rather broker some kind of financial arrangement [Grayman]

But Jack would have none of my tactical plan, which caused our eventual estrangement [Beefy ]

So Jack went his own way and fought as he went; and I left him to follow that trail [Irene]

When I returned home, all my money was spent, and I found myself rotting in jail [Beefy ]

So finally I broke down and wrote to old Jack, and I told him the spot I was in [Irene]

Hee soon came to visit and brought me a file, concealed in a bottle of gin [Beefy ]

We jumped a tramp steamer once I'd filed through, and the captain'd been bribed by old Jack [Irene]

He said we were headed for far Timbuktu; we vowed we would never go back [Beefy ]

To while the time, quite against my advice, Jack would play tars at gin for their rum [Kansas Sam]

I once chanced to find him tied up really nice, in a barrel they used as a drum [Irene]

We were thrown overboard, and washed up ashore on an isle where the natives wore grass [TG]

As adornment, they wore bright doubloons - by the score! Yet their King eyed my buckle of brass [Kansas Sam]

I made him a deal such as never was made: one buckle for piles of doubloons [Irene]

Then we sewed up their galleon, and sailed to the sunset, in search of a cache of saloons [Kansas Sam]

How we crossed the Pacific and made our way home is a tale for a different time [Beefy ]

Suffice it to say that before we hit Nome we were legends of nautical crime [Kansas Sam]

The boozing and birthmarks described by the press made us heroes to girls far and near [Beefy ]

Including one 'Ginger' - who pilfered my mate when we landed that day at the pier [Kansas Sam]

You may think that I haven't told all of my tale, and I guess I would have to admit [Beefy ]

I was always afraid that the venture would fail, so I left out the juiciest bit [Grayman]

Which explains Kathmandu, the porcelain god, and how Jack's mate ducked out like a fink [Beefy ]

But I promise I'll spell out that stuff in my book - have you seen that invisible ink? [Kansas Sam]

Envoi [(trad)]

If you'd chronicle exploits of travel and drink, you'd best fill your pen with invisible ink [Beefy ]