The Spoonbill Generator

Epistle upon the Ancient Streams

Sir: [anon]

Enclosed please find my rant against your ilk. [Dassn't Say]

Although I admire you in many ways, in the aggregate: you disgust me [Anon.]

And I mean that in the kindest way [Francine]

(In the sense that brutal truths are much more kind than lies) [P]

But I digress [F]

(And thát, if I may say so, is yóur fault!) [P]

Resuming: I believe you and yours owe us some explanation as to odor [Kansas Sam]

Not to mention orthography [Beefy]

Exacerbated by your own singularly tin ear [Kansas Sam]

And while we're on the subject of your body [P]

Your nose is a dangerous combination of lengthy and pointy [Kansas Sam]

Would it not be merely common decency to have it removed? [anon]

Then there are your eyebrows [Kansas Sam]

You've plucked yourself four from a unibrow [archaeopteryx]

Yet one eyebrow per eyeball is all that anyone needs, I'm sure you'll agree [Kansas Sam]

And now that the subject of hair has been broached let me remind you of your ass [Randy]

The rump dreadlocks are a bit much [archaeopteryx]

Regarding the pubic curlicues, they can't be natural...can they? [Randy]

It is not unreasonable to expect you to cover same [Kansas Sam]

But I recall now what I admire in you: your lack of shame [anon]

This space is insufficient for me to comment on your many secretions; however [Karin]

Suffice it to say that you should carry a bucket--lidded, and frequently emptied [Kansas Sam]

When you get into bed I role towards you. Not for love but because your SO FAT! [Randy]

So fat that it numbs my brain, as evidenced by that last nonsensical statement. [Karin]

But now that I've recovered I shall address your disturbing eructations [Edgar]

Your noxious belches are nothing less than odiferant crimes against mankind [Karin]

Their volume, length, and odorousness endanger even denizens of the next county [Anon.]

It might help if you brushed your teeth more than yearly [Randy]

And as for your frequent flatulent fusillades, let the record reflect [Karin]

That my aspiringly artistic alliteration is more than they deserve [Nym]

Regarding ogreish oderiferousness, your armpits immediately come to mind [Randy]

So I must come to my point, as my stomach begins to turn [anon]

But wait, here's a few more facts about your fetid, stank carcass [Randy]

One cannot help but become queasy watching it teeter atop your pallid stick-legs [Kansas Sam]

Your lurching gait and deformed extremities defy the laws of nature [Karin]

And when you go for a swim we have to notify the harbor master [Randy]

Then skim the fish [Kansas Sam]

It takes a crane to drag you back to shore [Anon.]

And now let's list your positive points....................never mind [Randy]


Your devoted friend, [anon]

Grizzelda [Randy]

Contributors: anon, Dassn't Say, Kansas Sam, Francine, P, F, Beefy, archaeopteryx, Randy, Karin, Edgar, Nym, N, Anon..
Poem finished: 2nd August 2003.