Nevertheless, Nuke the French
Each time I use the word 'defer'
I get just a little smaller
Whereas the word 'procrastinate'
Only stops me growing taller
Where, oh where's the happy mean
I'm getting shorter every day
Just to balance, in between
I need another word to say
I pondered 'blank', I toyed with 'blench'
I considered 'catalepsy'
I named three fizzy drinks, in French
But they gave me epilepsy
That's why I don't drink Pepsi
At twenty I was six feet tall
At thirty, two feet higher
But now, at three foot six, I'm small
As any might desire;
I must defer the evil day
Oh, not again! I've shrunk an inch!
I fear that I shall waste away
And so I'm eating lots of mince
Mixed up with mushrooms, coffee, spice,
And other things I cannot name
(carrots, ostriches and lice)
But I despair if, once again,
'Procrastinate' should cross my brain
Each time I hop upon the spot
My neck grows one inch longer
Likewise doth grow my pelvic bone
Each time I dance the Conga
And thus, my neck is eight feet long
My waistline doth bewilder
The doctors (though their brains be strong
And burly as a builder)
Yet, though I eat straight from the tree,
Procrastinating rarely
My neck swings side-to-side too free
And my chest hair grows but sparely
And, yes, I'm still alive - but barely
At fifty, I was angstroms high
At sixty, twenty-three miles wide
Much vaster than the largest pod
And larger still inside
I said "I must not speak at all"
Which phrase made me turn inside-out
"For I am stouter than a trout!",
I shouted, and grew ten feet tall
Much to the pleasure of Hugo John Ball
Inventor of the amazing
Self-replicating Dada stall
And of not-so-crazy-paving
( I think the bloke was raving)
Contributors: | Roland, fester, loaf, Apsley, Grayman, Hamish, ellie, P, Anon., TG. |
Poem finished: | 20th June 2000. |