My Warning Ignored
Arabella Spommit wrote her cup-size on a mouse
(A fine transgendered specimen which spoke in pidgin Scouse)
As if thereby to cherish the dreams she had of old
The majority of which have not been told
Arabella's comment to the mouse who spoke in Scouse
Could not be now repeated for it was, you see, uncouth
And if you think she cherished the dreams she had of youth
You're more of a man and less of a louse
Arabella spotted her true love (whose name was Klaus)
And dragged him by the knees into her father's study
He bawled "For f**k's sake cut that out! You're making such a bloody
Spectacle, that both of you I'll promptly douse!
Arabella Spommit, though a flighty little slut,
(Who importuned old fishermen and took them to her hut)
Was modest in demeanour, but perky as a peach
When soliciting old sailors on the beach
What now of Arabella? I've laid it on the line:
I suggested euthanasia. She said that was unkind
I then suggested murder. Now that she didn't mind
So I broke her bones and threw her down a mine
Arabella wondered as she lay there in the dark
What harm of kind all sexual might haply her befall
Perchance with some randy miners - be they short or tall
Or even with a limp that they had picked up in the park:
Arabella lay there dying, but then a magic
Elephant called Roger appeared, trod on her and said
"So where's your precious Apsley when you need him? Still in bed?"
Then Arabella Spommit died. Isn't that so tragic?
Arabella Spommit stood before the Pearly Gates
They opened up majestically to let her go inside
But St Peter barred the way, a cudgel by his side
With which he hit her till she squelched, egged on by his mates
Arabella sighed with pleasure, and with rapture too
(Being squelched by St Peter had thrilled her through and through)
But sadly now we bid her a final fond farewell
And rush into the netherworld utterly pell-mell.
Contributors: | Apsley, Hamish, Grayman, fester, E Greejius, Anon., madge. |
Poem finished: | 9th April 2000. |