The Spoonbill Generator

I never met a sailor who could sing

As sweetly, of my gangplank, as Teresa

I never saw a dove without a wing,

That didn't merit treatment from my razor.

I never heard a poem without a reason,

Which didn't make me gag like biting a rancid raisin.

When'ere raisins rancid in the season?

Our mutual understanding is amazing.

I never met a flower that could dance,

As nimply, on my gangplank, as Louisa

I never saw a man without a mouth.

...who didn't promise romance.

I never found a poem writ by Caesar

That didn't beg for treatment from my tweezer

When 'ere tweezers wetter than thy poem?

Our Omaha recollection is of hazing!

I never met a song that didn't sing,

As softly, to my gangplank, as Alicia

I never soar aloft on leaden wing

When unleaded gas makes me feel like Mona Lisa

I never met the gal that ate petunias,

Or stole the Senior title from the Juniors

Who stole in turn from Jack or Ebenezer

Whose name was otherwise known as "Weezer",

I never sang, or danced, or soared, myself

Until I met my friend, Lucretia,

We tumbled, arm-in-arm, from every shelf

Unleaded gas became my anesthesia.

(Which, I must say, beats euthanasia!)

(Suicides are getting daily lazier!)

News and combat grow forever crazier!

Excerpts from "The Life of Anastasia"