The Spoonbill Generator

Of Sailors And Their Ways

I'll tell you the tale of ham-handed Hannah [F]

Who thumb-wrestled sailors for shots in Savannah [Kansas Sam]

While wearing a pirate's ragged bandana [F]

And chomping seegars like a Mafia don [Kansas Sam]

Every wharf rat in Dixie fell for her con [F]

She lived in a shack at the end of the harbour [Beefy ]

With her raffish old man who once was a barber [F]

They foraged for berries out in the arbor [Karin]

The neighbors would snub them, considered them trash [F]

Until they discovered that Hannah had cash [Beefy ]

Our gamblin' gal suddenly had many friends [F]

The neighbors now viewed her as means to their ends [Karin]

(A realization that gave her the bends) [F]

Her hands were insured for a million apiece [Beefy ]

Her old man protected against her decease [Grayman]

Now Hannah had grown quite accustomed to fame [Beefy ]

She'd buy her friends shots for a thumb-wrestling game [Kansas Sam]

(She was quite a good-hearted earthy old dame) [F]

But her husband soon tired of callers and such [Kansas Sam]

And said, "No more freebies; everyone's going Dutch." [F]

This caused quite a stir in the bars on the pier [Beefy ]

"Dang, Hannah's a snot," her mates said with a sneer [Kansas Sam]

But our gutsy gal vowed, "Why, I'll spit in your beer!" [F]

And nobody dared challenge Hannah to fight [Beefy ]

For ham-handed Hannah's hands handed them fright [Kansas Sam]

So Hannah set forth to seek worthier foes [Beefy ]

There must be a ham-handed Hank to oppose! [Kansas Sam]

Some guy with thumbs like Durante's nose [F]

She headed for Texas in search of a prize [Beefy ]

"Houston, you have a problem!" she cries [Grayman]

First thing past the border, she stopped in a bar [Beefy ]

And ordered two fingers, to chase her seegar [Kansas Sam]

A hustler beside her asked had she come far [Beefy ]

"Not far enough," Hannah said with a wink [F]

"Hank, it is, Gal," he replied, "We're in sync" [Kansas Sam]

The crowd gathered round as the pair took their seat [TG]

They saw Hannah's thumbs - and they hoped for a meet [Kansas Sam]

For neither combatant had ever been beat [TG]

Their eyes locked as foes - neither stare would succumb [Kansas Sam]

Then at last, down for three stayed one hammy thumb! [Karin ]

Hank rose to his feet with a cry of despair [Beefy ]

"She cheated!" he wailed, "It just isn't fair!" [Karin]

The crowd, though, gave thumbs-up to Hannah: "She's square!" [Kansas Sam]

But Hank, sore at losing, he reached for his knife [Beefy ]

Hell bent for leather to end Hannah's life [Karin]

But Hannah was not only strong, she was quick [TG]

And before Hank could so much as inflict a nick [Karin]

Her knee laid him low, left him groaning and sick [Beefy ]

Thus never again was a hustler so dumb [Karin]

To tangle with Hannah, the Queen of the Thumb [Beefy ]

Contributors: F, Kansas Sam, Beefy, Karin, Grayman, TG.
Poem finished: 28th January 2004 by Kansas Sam.