The Spoonbill Generator

How Large Is Tina's Dinosaur?

I once asked Uncle Herbert [Grayman]

To neutralise a foe [Hamish]

He told me I was foppish [Apsley]

And trod upon my toe [TG]

It swelled up alarmingly [Hamish]

(As Martha said it would) [Apsley]

But eighty weeks of resting [TG]

Turned it to solid oak [Apsley]

I once asked auntie sally [Anon.]

To pasteurise my head [Grayman]

She poured on boiling water [Hamish]

And soon my teeth turned red [Roland]

She put it in the oven [Hamish]

(since Martha said she might) [Roland]

But after 90 minutes [Grayman]

My fangs were once more cream. [loaf]

I once asked Nephew Peter [Hamish]

To polish bright my bike [MRQ]

He rubbed at it with gusto [Apsley]

All enthusiastic like [Grayman]

But what he thought was polish [Hamish]

('Cos Martha told him so) [Grayman]

Was one hundred proof whisky [Anon.]

And made him rather faint [Apsley]

I once asked Granny Hilda [Hamish]

To balance on the edge [Grayman]

She told me it was tiresome [Hamish]

And I should cut the hedge [Apsley]

I used her nasal trimmer [Grayman]

Her egg-whisk and her clamp [Roland]

And one hundred and ten dal- [fester]

-matians whose fur was wet [Nessie]

I once asked Father Christmas [fester]

For carrots, numbered three, [Apsley]

But I only got a turnip [Grayman]

And a piece of mouldy brie [fester]

But what he also gave me [Nessie]

('Cos Martha told him to) [fester]

Was a dish heapoed up with catnip [Apsley]

And three cats who were green [fester]

I once asked Mother Hubbard [Nessie]

To tell me what to do [fester]

She typed out sixteen pages [Grayman]

About living in a shoe [fester]

It's not so much the laces [TG]

As the six and forty sages [Apsley]

It's more the council gremlins [MRQ]

(Least Martha says it is) [Apsley]

I once asked Sister Susie [TG]

What time the fish was due [Grayman]

She told me I was stupid [fester]

And I would soon turn blue: [Apsley]

(I'd decided to stop breathing [fester]

To show my love for Cupid) [Apsley]

But Martha said to stop it [fester]

Else her love would grow cold [Apsley]

I once asked Grandad Horace [fester]

Where he had felled the foe [Apsley]

He told me to be a man [fester]

But I retorted 'No! [Apsley]

He hit me with his walking-stick [Nessie]

(And Martha hid my shoes) [Grayman]

But eight score weeks of waiting [fester]

Just increase the cost of hake-skin! [Apsley]

Contributors: Grayman, Hamish, Apsley, TG, Anon., Roland, loaf, MRQ, fester, Nessie.
Poem finished: 6th July 2000.